Thursday, June 30, 2011

Experience with Nothing.

"What would I be doing if I weren't alive?" If I weren't flooding the sandbox. Granted I wouldn't know any different, but where was my conscious prior to life? What was I doing in the run up to this[Life]?" As a 10 year old boy, I became terrified. The prospect of death, or non existence sowed its seed early on. The thought plagued my mind, the question destroyed every mental comfort I could conceive of, every nook and cranny in my mind was mercilessly destroyed. I couldn't escape, and still can't. Ruthless in its path, enlightening in its wake. There was no place safe and no safe place within my head. Terrified memories still give me goosebumps.

As a child, I began I gained a keen awareness of time. I firmly remember the island I built in my cousin's sandbox. Keeled on the ground, I recognized moments from then on as the bright overwhelming orange light of the sun that rests every night between the wooden planks of the fence would begin to cool the surrounding sand. The warm sand that is being blasted with life from the sunlight will begin a process to cool itself. An expository tale of the world around me played itself out through the sand. Of how my surrounding came to be through weathering. This process wasn't anything new, but along the way, my existence was.

Staring at the trees glimmering in the sunlight across the street, I felt that somehow I was communicating with nature. And she'd gentle whisper using the life blasted sand particles to speak with me. Of course I was way to young I couldn't place this experience into words, nor did I exactly want to, I was completely comfortable coming to awareness, into the stage of my life without telling anyone. The cycles, the seasons, day and night, time marched on. I had a covenant, everyday that would come, the stars in sky, and sun on the horizon reinforced the message of there is nothing to worry about.

I experienced that parable, I didn't read it. I understood instinctively what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 6:25-34. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I already knew and by the time the Bible came around and made it big in my life, I wasn't satisfied with what it said anymore, it wasn't enough, I was ready for next step. My curiosity was thrown into overdrive. Determined to discover what life had to offer and how I could advance in my journey.

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